Tuesday 24 October 2017

These painfully precious days

 'These painfully precious days' 
In the dark of two nights ago my husband and I sat shivering on the bed, frozen with an unspeakable fear. We prayed, as we do, for peace to come not only to us but in this situation. When I fell asleep at last I could rest deeply despite the air trembling around me.

This has been a turbulent time for all of us. Our family has been plunged into a washing machine of change and tumbled inside out. All the old hidden stains of the past reappeared and we have been forced to look at ourselves and each other in completely new ways. And at the same time there has been an emergence of what I can only call The Heroic within us. That part of ourselves that only can appear in times of extreme distress and challenge. We find ourselves able to see clearer, free from doubt, to reach out and be radically truthful and equally compassionate . Insight and understanding follows, illuminating every situation as we breath through the stranglehold of fear and hold each others hands. 

In my marriage we have over the last 3 days come to a miraculous breakthrough. 21 years together is a long time. We have been at the juncture of a separation. These last 3 days have placed us into a crucible where all the shit of the past could be burned and burned  and burned some more, until it emerged... as gold.

I can only call it a miracle.

I have been able to see how I have unconsciously been pushing the 'male' away. Undermining his presence in very complex ways. Creating a field of rejection even as I kept the mask of everyday on. The #metoo disclosure of the rape I experienced a long time ago has allowed for a massive release of pain and unfinished stuff that has been growing stealthily like a tumour in these years. 

Yesterday as I sat on the floor amongst the group of 7 year olds I teach music and movement to on a Tuesday afternoon, I received the blessing of the children stroking my hair and embracing me with what can only be called radical tenderness. On the ground. Surrounded by the loving hands of children. 

Last night I rested completely in the arms of my comrade, my friend, my life partner and my husband with an all-pervading gratitude that I hope will infuse the days to come.

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